Hi. I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was actually excellent. Despite all of the work and dinner for 32 people, once that food was out on the table, the hard part was done and the rest of the day was a blast. Everyone had such a great time and many people lingered on until well past 9 at night (it all started around 1 pm). We got lots of compliments again on how we throw such a wonderful party and how we really know how to do it up, etc. etc. It was so nice to see lots of family I don’t get to see except once a year. The house was just filled with so much love and joy and laughter. After the horrible year we have had (as have so many, many others!), I couldn’t think of a better way to see it all out. No, it’s not New Year’s yet, but it’s pretty darn close. The rest of the holiday weekend was peaceful and relaxing. Ron took us all out to dinner at our new favorite restaurant down in Tremont, The Prosperity Social Club. It’s pure “Old Cleveland”…a former steelworkers bar dating back to the 1920’s that is now a hip and trendy restaurant/bar. It’s just the coolest place around and we love the vintage atmosphere since it reminds both of us so much of the kinds of places that were in abundance in this city back when we were both growing up. They left the place exactly as it was…all the walls are paneled in rich wood, the windows are the original casement windows, all the Xmas decorations are vintage dating back to the 40’s and 50’s, and the people working there are so nice. Of course it helps that we know some of them, but even so, the new one’s we’ve met are super. On Sunday, I dropped the husband at the airport and he was off to Atlanta where he’ll be till the 8th. This constant travel has only been going for about a month but it’s really taking it’s toll on me. Still, I will not complain. It’s finally a job and it’s not as if anyone else has come calling for him. Maybe now we can attempt to crawl out of the hole we have found ourselves in. Anyhow, if you are my friend on the facebooks, there are all sorts of photos on there or linked on my page that you can peruse if you’d like. I tried to copy some on here but it didn’t seem to work so sorry.
Well, as you know, I’ve wrestled on and off with the idea of quitting this blog for quite some time now. About a month or two back, I finally made my final decision and that was that I would stop at the end of this year. I’m old, tired, worn out, used up. I have no interesting stories left to tell. I really only told Roxita about this because I figured I’d try to get used to the idea of not doing this and, surprisingly, it was much easier than I had thought. It’s already gotten to the point that I feel obligated to make a post (like this one…I didn’t even feel like doing it) and I dread it. This is not at all what I started blogging for. The fun is gone. The thrill is gone. The audience is, for the most part, gone. The life I had when I started this is gone…replaced by depression and struggle. I’m not stupid…I know you all think I’m a whiney baby about how bad I have it and how I should realize other people have it worse….well, you really don’t know shit about what we’ve been through…mainly because I have held back far more than you will EVER know. So there. Don’t judge me, you really don’t have all the facts.
Back when I started all this, four and a half years ago, it was exhilerating. I loved the idea of having this anonymous forum to tell the stories of my life to an audience of strangers. And then the strangers commented on what I wrote! How outrageously cool was that! Me! The retarded, outcast, weirdo throughout my whole life suddenly had this ever-growing throng of readers out there, laughing at my stories, laughing at me, my bizarre experiences, my weird humor. It became like a drug for me and I was addicted to the attention. But then, and I don’t know how or why it happened, but my once huge (like probably Tornword/Sticky Crows huge!) following just started abandoning the blog in droves. Hundreds upon hundreds of hits per day, 20-plus comments per post…it all just dried up. Until we got to where we are now, a shadow of the former “success” I once was on here. I should have done what Sarah Jessica Parker did with Sex and the City when she quit at the peak of it in order to go out on top. But nope, I was too addicted to the attention and I kept going to the point that I now get about 8 or 10 hits per day, usually less, ofen far less. Yes, I know some of you would be thrilled for what I get on here, but it’s a big comedown for me considering what I once had here. That makes it more difficult I think. And for the longest time, it drove me crazy. Now, though, I’m okay with it. I guess I’ve made peace with all of it and I can let it go and not be bothered. My life and my stories are all real and part of me, part of those of you who have loyally followed all of it through the years too, and I no longer need this written account of any of it.
With all of that said, let me say that I am not taking the blog down. At least not right now. Eventually it may just one day disappear but for the time being, I’ll leave it here. I’m not even saying that I will never blog again. I very well may surprise you and just turn up without warning and put up a post and then just disappear again for awhile. Actually, I almost like that idea the most because I know full well that once I am gone, I will quickly drop off the radar and be forgotten by even the diehards and, once again, I am totally okay with that. I would love to go back to being the anonymous person who started doing this all those years ago, the person nobody knew anything about. It got much harder to write honestly when you all started to actually know me, I mean really know me. In real-life, we are extremely private people. This blog is about as open as I have ever been with outsiders. I only hope you enjoyed the glimpse into my life or at least got some kind of entertainment value out of it all.
I think the thing I’ll miss most are the people I truly feel have become friends to me. I know that once I “disappear” and don’t comment regularly, that friendship will fade…it’s happened many times in the past few years, but those people that came in and out of my blog life all contributed to it and to me in some special way. I would love to keep in touch with anyone that wants to do the same but I know most of you won’t and that’s fine. Everyone’s so busy these days trying to survive, me among them. I’ve managed to distance myself from so many of you already just by not having the time to read and comment on your blogs. It’s kind of a you-get-what-you-give world in Blogaritaville and I don’t seem to give much anymore which only makes me feel like a total outsider when I do try to comment now…hence my silence. I’m usually still out there reading, but I feel like a stranger by commenting. Anyway, I already talked about all of that and the cliquishness I feel out there not that long ago so I won’t rehash it all.
Aaahhhh….the memories. Almost all of them are good. Even the bad ones have some good memories attached. The fights with Blog-lebrities, getting thrown off of Blogster for palling around with a crowd of Bad Girls, the Canadian Psycho-tranny, the day that I got over 1,000 hits and the blog practically exploded with visitors reading my post about The Faces of Gay Adoption (still my brightest, shining moment on here), Sooner’s Bar & Grille on Friday afternoons and well into the nights, blogging at Hospice, blogging in North Carolina, blogging – unfortunately – in Ohio…too much to mention. And all of the people who made it so much fun and seem so worthwhile…Denise, Beth, Babs, JackieSue, Pirate, David, Tina/Pixie and Richard/TeddyPig from the “old days”….Doris, JackieSue (by far my most loyal, biggest fan!), the Richards (CO & WA), Torny Tornwordo, dear retarded Sage, Cameron, Nick in Chicago, the mysterious dbb, my “local” retard Grejetjej, and anyone else I know I’ve left out….I love all of ya’s and wouldn’t have ever been here this long if it hadn’t been for you. Many have moved on in life, some just completely blew me off and disappeared into the ether, others I’m still in touch with regularly, but ALL of you had an impact. None moreso than my beloved Roxita though. The “connection” I felt with you may seem hokey as all hell but I know it was real. If I were straight, I’d probably be in love with you! Good thing for both of us that I’m not. I know I’m letting you down, and I know I’m reneging on my promise to keep going until you quit too but I think the time is finally right. You know my email honaye…USE IT!
Alright….as they say, save the drama for ya mama…and I will do just that. It’s not goodbye, it’s just so-long for now. Happy New Year to everyone out there and thanks for many years of fun, laughs, boredom and even a few tears. I’ll miss it all.
Filed under: Mega-Retarded Blayho Blatherings | 16 Comments »